Tricker Freaks!

Well, it is Halloween time again in the Schrute household. Which has resulted in slacking with my blog. Since we have the cutest kids ever, it takes us a really long time to get them ready for Halloween. We usually make them dress up like ugly kids, so they get an idea of how they feel. You know what I mean...the kind of kids that you have to hang a pork chop around their neck just to get the family dog to play with them. So, after a lot of hard work by Barby and I this is what we came up with:

We decided that Moeisha should go as Punky Brewster. Back in the day she was by far one of the uglier children on TV. I can't even believe they let this kid on TV, she definitely a had a face for radio. It was so bad that on the filming set, the director had to make her bathe in gravy just to get her dog Brandon to be around her and pretend to like her.

Quigibo has always had a passion to go as a senile old coot who not only desperately needs to shave his eyebrows, but continually rambles incoherently on Sunday nights. Helping Quigibo with his costume was really not all that difficult just time consuming. We used about a gallon of Nair on his face and neck, then colored his hair and eyebrows white. But by the end of the night he looked like same old Quigibo again only he had a skunk stripe and bushy white eyebrows.

Xavier has always longed to dress up like a quasi-gay, prepubescent, wanna-be pro-karaoke singer. This kid is by far one of the ugliest girls I have ever seen! I can't believe they let her on television. What is this world coming to! I haven't watched a lot of TV lately, but maybe she is only allowed on the pay-per view channels.

Zeek decided to go as Webester. He got this idea from Mr. Gates. Gates says Webster was so ugly that his biological parents gave him up to be raised by a couple of white crackers. According to Gates this child was by far one of the biggest embarrassments to his race. Not that his acting was bad, it's just that he was so ugly! In fact Barby and I are extremely worried, because Zeek is still wearing his costume and refused to take it off. I think this may have something to do with Barby's surgery? He keeps telling us that since mommy doesn't have to take off her new costume why should he?

The worst part about Halloween this year was that all the homes we trick or treated at didn't think our kids costumes were good. They would answer the door and say, "Oh, I'm sorry deary did you forget to dress up?" Or, "That's too bad you daddy worked for AIG and you don't have money for a costume." Idiots! My kids dressed like ugly television freaks!! The only one who was scared out of his wits was Gates. He almost had a hear attack when he opened the door and saw our lovely children.

Barby goes under the knife . . . . . slash, hack, ooooo!

Greetings fellow bloggetirers! Boy has it been a busy couple months. Barby was so fascinated with Jo Plastik Rivers youthful look that she decided she needed to go under the knife. So she searched out for the finest plastic surgeons in the nation. You don't just want any hack to take junk out of your trunk or attach your own set of PFD's. Instead she found a guy that dresses like Bo Bo the Clown and exclusively dates guys.


So Barby looked at Dr. Robert Rays web page and found a couple of success stories/cases he has completed. Apparently he turned a Hyena into a woman. Wow! She's hot . . . . except when you drop her off after your date and she pees on a fire hydrant then gnaws off your leg.

His other famous case is turning a prepubescent Afro-American male into a post menopausal white female elf. Don't mind the scruff . . . . none of the kids complained about it. Zeek thinks he/she looks like a nice babysitter, I think I'll give him/her a try. Keeping in mind that I am very cautious due to the whole predator incident with Chris Hansen.

So after a long month of healing here is the apple of my eye looking sexier than ever. I even had to kick some Hollywood ace because Clooney, Pitt, and Damon were trying to steal my southern sweet potato pie. Jo Plastik is going to be yarfin up doughnuts for the next year to try and catch up to my finest catch. Hands off Larry King you dirty old man . . . watch out Larry . . . . the morg is coming they can smell formaldehyde from miles away.

Keepin it in the Family

This past Wednesday, Barby and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary! I can't believe we have already been married for twenty magical years. I guess that makes sense, because Moeisha is 21 years old. But, that story will have to be told another day. Today's blog is on the real story of how Barby and I met. I had just finished street pharmaceutical school and was home visiting the folks for the summer. So, unfortunately the parents dragged me to a family reunion that I didn't want to go to. I can't stand my relatives! They are the most inbred, incompetent, undignified people I know!! But, I went and hung out with the only two cousins I can stand. Zeb and Zeek (they are always together) they are my best friends for life, next to Gates.

Zeb and Zeek

We used to always play pranks on our younger cousin Little Willy Walton. He is such a dork! He always thought he was so good at basketball, and all he could ever talk about was Kareem Abdul Jabber, Magic Johnson, and Larry Bird. Our favorite prank to play on him was to give him wedgies and hang him on the basketball rim by his underwear.

Little Willy Walton

So, as usual we were in the process of hazing Willy, and all of the sudden cousin Mose came running over and told us that his sister didn't want us to pick on Willy. I turned around and there she was! Greasy blond hair, pimply face, dirty poncho, hemp sandals, and braces. It was love at first sight!

Cousin Mose

Some might look down upon marrying your cousin, but it is a way of life in the Schrute family. In fact just about everyone from the days of our early ancestors has married a cousin, sister, half-sister, brother, uncle, aunt and even a couple of grandmas or grandpas. I would also say that about 95% of our pets are inbred! What a way of life! In fact many a cousin has been conceived either before or after our family reunions. In fact that is how Barby and I knew it was love. The pregnancy test told us so.

Cousin Gee-Tard

Overall our marriage has been a huge success. Our children are the cutest kids ever! We sure did luck out. However, Cousin Gee-tard was next on the list if things didn't work out for Barby and I. Just think how ugly those kids would look.....scary! As for Zeb and Zeek they never did get married. But they sure are together a lot, and spend a considerable amount of time in San Francisco............