Saturday, November 26, 2011

A Gobble Gobble Dickel! has been a very long time since I have posted on the best blog in the world! Since the Micheal Jackson trial they have really cracked down on the street pharmacist industry. Plus meth is losing its patent and going generic. I have had to put in extra hours to make ends meet. But the good news is rubbing alcohol sales are up!

With sales being up, we decided to schmooze and booze some of our clients by taking them on a good old turkey hunt! So Gates and I took a couple of clients on a hunting expedition. Things were going well until we tapped the gallon of anitfreeze! That half blind idiot Charlie Scheen mistook me for a turkey and pumped my gut full of buck shot! It didn't help I was wearing my Thanksgiving day turkey sweater.

All was well in the end, because we did stop by the local park and bagged us a trophy bird! We gave Scheen some tiger's blood and sent him back to rehab. We took this prize bird back and the Mrs. took about 12 hours to cook this huge bird! The bird was so big even Quigibo couldn't finish his dinner.

To make up for the for leaving the wife and kids at home to go hunting, I promised Barbie that I would take her to Walmart for some good old Black Friday shopping. We camped out 2 weeks before the actual day of shopping, well Moeisha did all the sitting. She was cool with it though we brought her a pigeon wing to snack on. I also used the camp out to meet new business clients, who currently have 20/20 vision. We are running a special, free lasic with the signing of a three year contract.

Finally when the door opened, we were able to rush in and get the first i-phone 10! It's amazing!! This bad boy has dot-matrix printing, fax, pager, built in ten-key, carbon copy credit card machine, glucometer, breathalyzer, ovulator, rectal thermometer (much more accurate), Polaroid capabilities, and homing pigeon messaging (actual live pigeon in the phone) plus all the latest and greatest technology we already have! Luckily I beat man-bull to the electronics section. He got caught gazing at the milk isle.

Thank you Steve Jobs! This i-phone is totally dope!

Friday, December 26, 2008

Happy RamaHanuKwanzMas!

Merry, happy, jolly, RamaHanuKwanzMas to all! Or even Winter Solstice, if you are still Pagan? Tis the season for spending loads of cash on crap that most people never want, nor will they use. But due to the difficult economic times, my business has been booming! Apparently when the economy goes down the crapper, the street pharmaceutical business goes through the roof! So, this year Barby and I splurged on the kids with some very choice gifts. Please note that we have listed the prices on the more expensive gifts.

To start off, I was searching on line and found this new invention in Post-Communist Europe called a beanbag chair. Haven't ever heard of them, but I hear they are great to relax on and watch some tube. Plus, the company claims the additional asbestos mixed with the beans add long lasting comfort for years to come. The chair also included the model who is posing on it. Overall the whole experience was like ordering a Russian mail order bride, Quigibo finally has a date to the prom.
Next we decided to get cameras for the whole fam. I mean have you ever seen a camera so up to date and so technologically advanced. In fact I'm pretty sure it is compatible with the software on my awesome computer. I love my computer! Next year's model will be even better, Polaroid claims that it won't even need a computer. The camera will automatically produce the picture after you snap the image. Just shake the print and the image magically appears. What a day and age we live in!! Brilliant!
Ski Whiz's for all! The name says it all! I used to think ski whiz was something you did on the slopes that made the snow yellow. Boy was I embarrassed when the dealer reprimanded me prior to my purchase. Needless to say these babies are state of the art and will get the Schrutes all around the mountain in comfort, but most importantly style. It's aerodynamics are phenomenal and help reduce wind resistance, thus saving me fuel and cash.
For our summer vacation the Schrutes are "touring the USA in their band new Chevrolet". What a great way to get around this summer especially in a recreational vehicle. Since I couldn't decide which one to get, I bought both of them. Hey my family deserves this! This puppy gets 9 miles per gallon! That is fuel efficiency you can count on! One day I hope to purchase one that gets 10 miles per gallon, but as of now that is just a pipe dream.
Finally, with business booming, I need to take better care of my books, you know for tax purposes. Honestly, how many of you would pay $199.50 for this baby? I couldn't believe what a bargain this thing was! They are practically giving these things away! It's almost like a mini portable computer/printer combo. It's light weight and very easy to tote around, all you need is a conveniently located outlet to plug it in. Hopefully, I can get Willie Nelson to help me with filing my taxes this year, I hear he is the best.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

A gooble gooble dickel, I'm thankful that John Madden only costs a nickel!

Thanksgiving is drawing near, and I thought I would share with you the one Schrute family tradition we consistently uphold. Most folks gather their families together to gorge themselves with all sort of holiday eats. Turkey is often the preferred choice of meat to be served. However, each year the Schrutes go out to Mr. Gates' back yard where he raises John Maddens. This has been small yet not so profitable side project for Gates. Unfortunately for him the Schrutes are the only returning customers. But, luckily for us his operation is close and he usually cuts us a good deal. The kids really enjoy the part where we cut his head off and let him run around in the backyard for a bit.

One might ask, why?!? Others may ask, how does one prepare a John Madden for a Thanksgiving feast? Honestly it is not very easy, in fact it is quite labor intensive but so worth it. About a month before Thanksgiving, we feed him a turducken each day, until 2 days before Thanksgiving. Some of you loyal readers might not be familiar with what a John Madden fattening turducken is. So, this is what it entails (Please note the numbers I have provided for you to follow along, it's basically like stacking a set of Russian stack dolls, only we start stuffing the smallest bird into the larger bird): 7-parakeet, 8-starling, 6-magpie, 9-pigeon, 5-crow, 10-mud duck, 4-flamingo, 11-spotted owl, 3-whopping crane, 12-buzzard, 2-bald eagle, and 1-turkey, plus any other seasoning that may be applicable. On year, Gates told us a that lamb fries would be great treat to stuff inside the parakeet, but Quigibo got violently ill, so we haven't done it since.

Unfortunately, we found out this year that our John Madden had a mate. Low and behold it was a Brett Farve!! Man Gates needs to keeps his Farves out of the Madden's pen! This year there was all sorts of half washed up quarterbacks and half fat sports announcers all over the place! Thankfully, we were able to separate our purebread Madden from the half breeds. I'm not sure a Madden/Farve mixture would taste as good.

You might also wonder how in the world does Barby fit that oversized Madden in the oven? She doesn't we hire a backhoes to come and dig a oversized pig roasting pit to cook him in. The whole process takes about 5 cords of wood, and 2 whole days of cooking time! Next year, I think we will rent a dumpster and fill it with peanut oil to deep fry that fat Madden! Also, we will bypass feeding John Madden turduckens for a month and will just stuff him with the whole turducken before we cook him. Mmmmm, tasty....I can wait for leftover Madden sandwiches to take to work!