Happy RamaHanuKwanzMas!

Merry, happy, jolly, RamaHanuKwanzMas to all! Or even Winter Solstice, if you are still Pagan? Tis the season for spending loads of cash on crap that most people never want, nor will they use. But due to the difficult economic times, my business has been booming! Apparently when the economy goes down the crapper, the street pharmaceutical business goes through the roof! So, this year Barby and I splurged on the kids with some very choice gifts. Please note that we have listed the prices on the more expensive gifts.

To start off, I was searching on line and found this new invention in Post-Communist Europe called a beanbag chair. Haven't ever heard of them, but I hear they are great to relax on and watch some tube. Plus, the company claims the additional asbestos mixed with the beans add long lasting comfort for years to come. The chair also included the model who is posing on it. Overall the whole experience was like ordering a Russian mail order bride, Quigibo finally has a date to the prom.
Next we decided to get cameras for the whole fam. I mean have you ever seen a camera so up to date and so technologically advanced. In fact I'm pretty sure it is compatible with the software on my awesome computer. I love my computer! Next year's model will be even better, Polaroid claims that it won't even need a computer. The camera will automatically produce the picture after you snap the image. Just shake the print and the image magically appears. What a day and age we live in!! Brilliant!
Ski Whiz's for all! The name says it all! I used to think ski whiz was something you did on the slopes that made the snow yellow. Boy was I embarrassed when the dealer reprimanded me prior to my purchase. Needless to say these babies are state of the art and will get the Schrutes all around the mountain in comfort, but most importantly style. It's aerodynamics are phenomenal and help reduce wind resistance, thus saving me fuel and cash.
For our summer vacation the Schrutes are "touring the USA in their band new Chevrolet". What a great way to get around this summer especially in a recreational vehicle. Since I couldn't decide which one to get, I bought both of them. Hey my family deserves this! This puppy gets 9 miles per gallon! That is fuel efficiency you can count on! One day I hope to purchase one that gets 10 miles per gallon, but as of now that is just a pipe dream.
Finally, with business booming, I need to take better care of my books, you know for tax purposes. Honestly, how many of you would pay $199.50 for this baby? I couldn't believe what a bargain this thing was! They are practically giving these things away! It's almost like a mini portable computer/printer combo. It's light weight and very easy to tote around, all you need is a conveniently located outlet to plug it in. Hopefully, I can get Willie Nelson to help me with filing my taxes this year, I hear he is the best.

A gooble gooble dickel, I'm thankful that John Madden only costs a nickel!

Thanksgiving is drawing near, and I thought I would share with you the one Schrute family tradition we consistently uphold. Most folks gather their families together to gorge themselves with all sort of holiday eats. Turkey is often the preferred choice of meat to be served. However, each year the Schrutes go out to Mr. Gates' back yard where he raises John Maddens. This has been small yet not so profitable side project for Gates. Unfortunately for him the Schrutes are the only returning customers. But, luckily for us his operation is close and he usually cuts us a good deal. The kids really enjoy the part where we cut his head off and let him run around in the backyard for a bit.

One might ask, why?!? Others may ask, how does one prepare a John Madden for a Thanksgiving feast? Honestly it is not very easy, in fact it is quite labor intensive but so worth it. About a month before Thanksgiving, we feed him a turducken each day, until 2 days before Thanksgiving. Some of you loyal readers might not be familiar with what a John Madden fattening turducken is. So, this is what it entails (Please note the numbers I have provided for you to follow along, it's basically like stacking a set of Russian stack dolls, only we start stuffing the smallest bird into the larger bird): 7-parakeet, 8-starling, 6-magpie, 9-pigeon, 5-crow, 10-mud duck, 4-flamingo, 11-spotted owl, 3-whopping crane, 12-buzzard, 2-bald eagle, and 1-turkey, plus any other seasoning that may be applicable. On year, Gates told us a that lamb fries would be great treat to stuff inside the parakeet, but Quigibo got violently ill, so we haven't done it since.

Unfortunately, we found out this year that our John Madden had a mate. Low and behold it was a Brett Farve!! Man Gates needs to keeps his Farves out of the Madden's pen! This year there was all sorts of half washed up quarterbacks and half fat sports announcers all over the place! Thankfully, we were able to separate our purebread Madden from the half breeds. I'm not sure a Madden/Farve mixture would taste as good.

You might also wonder how in the world does Barby fit that oversized Madden in the oven? She doesn't we hire a backhoes to come and dig a oversized pig roasting pit to cook him in. The whole process takes about 5 cords of wood, and 2 whole days of cooking time! Next year, I think we will rent a dumpster and fill it with peanut oil to deep fry that fat Madden! Also, we will bypass feeding John Madden turduckens for a month and will just stuff him with the whole turducken before we cook him. Mmmmm, tasty....I can wait for leftover Madden sandwiches to take to work!

Tricker Freaks!

Well, it is Halloween time again in the Schrute household. Which has resulted in slacking with my blog. Since we have the cutest kids ever, it takes us a really long time to get them ready for Halloween. We usually make them dress up like ugly kids, so they get an idea of how they feel. You know what I mean...the kind of kids that you have to hang a pork chop around their neck just to get the family dog to play with them. So, after a lot of hard work by Barby and I this is what we came up with:

We decided that Moeisha should go as Punky Brewster. Back in the day she was by far one of the uglier children on TV. I can't even believe they let this kid on TV, she definitely a had a face for radio. It was so bad that on the filming set, the director had to make her bathe in gravy just to get her dog Brandon to be around her and pretend to like her.

Quigibo has always had a passion to go as a senile old coot who not only desperately needs to shave his eyebrows, but continually rambles incoherently on Sunday nights. Helping Quigibo with his costume was really not all that difficult just time consuming. We used about a gallon of Nair on his face and neck, then colored his hair and eyebrows white. But by the end of the night he looked like same old Quigibo again only he had a skunk stripe and bushy white eyebrows.

Xavier has always longed to dress up like a quasi-gay, prepubescent, wanna-be pro-karaoke singer. This kid is by far one of the ugliest girls I have ever seen! I can't believe they let her on television. What is this world coming to! I haven't watched a lot of TV lately, but maybe she is only allowed on the pay-per view channels.

Zeek decided to go as Webester. He got this idea from Mr. Gates. Gates says Webster was so ugly that his biological parents gave him up to be raised by a couple of white crackers. According to Gates this child was by far one of the biggest embarrassments to his race. Not that his acting was bad, it's just that he was so ugly! In fact Barby and I are extremely worried, because Zeek is still wearing his costume and refused to take it off. I think this may have something to do with Barby's surgery? He keeps telling us that since mommy doesn't have to take off her new costume why should he?

The worst part about Halloween this year was that all the homes we trick or treated at didn't think our kids costumes were good. They would answer the door and say, "Oh, I'm sorry deary did you forget to dress up?" Or, "That's too bad you daddy worked for AIG and you don't have money for a costume." Idiots! My kids dressed like ugly television freaks!! The only one who was scared out of his wits was Gates. He almost had a hear attack when he opened the door and saw our lovely children.

Barby goes under the knife . . . . . slash, hack, ooooo!

Greetings fellow bloggetirers! Boy has it been a busy couple months. Barby was so fascinated with Jo Plastik Rivers youthful look that she decided she needed to go under the knife. So she searched out for the finest plastic surgeons in the nation. You don't just want any hack to take junk out of your trunk or attach your own set of PFD's. Instead she found a guy that dresses like Bo Bo the Clown and exclusively dates guys.


So Barby looked at Dr. Robert Rays web page and found a couple of success stories/cases he has completed. Apparently he turned a Hyena into a woman. Wow! She's hot . . . . except when you drop her off after your date and she pees on a fire hydrant then gnaws off your leg.

His other famous case is turning a prepubescent Afro-American male into a post menopausal white female elf. Don't mind the scruff . . . . none of the kids complained about it. Zeek thinks he/she looks like a nice babysitter, I think I'll give him/her a try. Keeping in mind that I am very cautious due to the whole predator incident with Chris Hansen.

So after a long month of healing here is the apple of my eye looking sexier than ever. I even had to kick some Hollywood ace because Clooney, Pitt, and Damon were trying to steal my southern sweet potato pie. Jo Plastik is going to be yarfin up doughnuts for the next year to try and catch up to my finest catch. Hands off Larry King you dirty old man . . . watch out Larry . . . . the morg is coming they can smell formaldehyde from miles away.

Keepin it in the Family

This past Wednesday, Barby and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary! I can't believe we have already been married for twenty magical years. I guess that makes sense, because Moeisha is 21 years old. But, that story will have to be told another day. Today's blog is on the real story of how Barby and I met. I had just finished street pharmaceutical school and was home visiting the folks for the summer. So, unfortunately the parents dragged me to a family reunion that I didn't want to go to. I can't stand my relatives! They are the most inbred, incompetent, undignified people I know!! But, I went and hung out with the only two cousins I can stand. Zeb and Zeek (they are always together) they are my best friends for life, next to Gates.

Zeb and Zeek

We used to always play pranks on our younger cousin Little Willy Walton. He is such a dork! He always thought he was so good at basketball, and all he could ever talk about was Kareem Abdul Jabber, Magic Johnson, and Larry Bird. Our favorite prank to play on him was to give him wedgies and hang him on the basketball rim by his underwear.

Little Willy Walton

So, as usual we were in the process of hazing Willy, and all of the sudden cousin Mose came running over and told us that his sister didn't want us to pick on Willy. I turned around and there she was! Greasy blond hair, pimply face, dirty poncho, hemp sandals, and braces. It was love at first sight!

Cousin Mose

Some might look down upon marrying your cousin, but it is a way of life in the Schrute family. In fact just about everyone from the days of our early ancestors has married a cousin, sister, half-sister, brother, uncle, aunt and even a couple of grandmas or grandpas. I would also say that about 95% of our pets are inbred! What a way of life! In fact many a cousin has been conceived either before or after our family reunions. In fact that is how Barby and I knew it was love. The pregnancy test told us so.

Cousin Gee-Tard

Overall our marriage has been a huge success. Our children are the cutest kids ever! We sure did luck out. However, Cousin Gee-tard was next on the list if things didn't work out for Barby and I. Just think how ugly those kids would look.....scary! As for Zeb and Zeek they never did get married. But they sure are together a lot, and spend a considerable amount of time in San Francisco............

"Gee, Billy I can't wait until I go to Higthhh School"

Well, I apologize for not blogging lately, "I love to blog", but I have been so busy! We went down south, the deep south, to visit the in-laws and go to Barby's high school reunion. Back in the day she was the eye candy of South Lafayette High. A million friends, a million parties, she was the queen of the high school. While at the reunion I had the pleasure of meeting many of her classmates. Needless to say I was thoroughly impressed with the number of famous people she went to school with.

Barby - Class of 1961

Chuck Manson, what a guy! He was Barby's first main squeeze back in the day. Apparently he was the senior class president. He had big plans for Barby in his cult, but she just couldn't bare the thought of wearing a swastika on her forehead. So, it didn't work out. Some how he was able to plan the whole reunion from the clink and even made a cameo appearance at the beginning of the dinner.

Jo Plastik Rivers was Barby's best friend and head cheerleader/parking lot whore. Barby could not believe how well preserved her face was. In fact when I shook her hand I thought I was shaking hands with the Grim Reaper. Barby asked what her trick was to maintain her youthful appearance. Jo said she soaks her face in formaldehyde for one full hour each morning!
Little Dicky Simmons . . . . . everyone knew he was gay back in high school. All the signs were there: long hours in the boys gym showers, president of the spandex club, he was always absent the week of the gay pride parade in San Francisco, and he was always oiling himself with the turkey baster in cooking class. His gay-dar readings are off the chart!
J.J. Dyn-o-mite Walker, he was the only one I could carry an intelligent conversation with. It was like I was talking to Gates, but he kept interjecting dyn-0-mite after every sentence. He was very interested in my career, and expressed interest in becoming a distributor in his community.
Overall the reunion was a hit and Barby was able to reconnect with her old chums. However, on the way home, all she could do was talk about Jo's face and how perfect it looked. All I can say is that Jo's face will probably look exactly the same 10 years from now at the next reunion.

"Be Comin' to America!.....Today!"

Merry fourth of July! Actually belated fourth of July. Well, I am ashamed I didn't get this posted sooner, but by the end of this post you will understand why it took me so long.

This fourth of July like many in years past was awesome! Mr. Gates and his old Nam war buddy, who goes by the name of "Camouflage", put on one heck of a show for us this year! Each year Gates and "Camouflage" are in charge of the festivities in our exclusive gated hood.

"Camouflage"......still hates Charlie????

The pyrotechnics were amazing!! I can never figure out how this two can put on such a good show. They sure do locate some crazy war surplus for it. Rocket launchers, bazookas, and atomic warheads are their fireworks of choice. I always ask them who their supplier is, but they just laugh at me with their toothless grins. Gates doesn't ever say anything and "Camouflage" replies, "I don't ask who your supplier is." True dat yo! So any-ho, this year was especially crazy because Gates and "Camouflage" were eating 7-layer dip all day up until about 9:30 p.m. Then about at 10 p.m. they turned up some Niel Diamond on the 8-track hi-fi and began the show by using nothing more than a simple Bic lighter. Brilliant!!

They must have saved thousands of dollars this year! Needless to say the show was a huge success and will be forever remembered, if not difficult to top next year. Unfortunately, the president of the hood association was not amused, mostly because the grand finally set his house a blaze. We all thought it was just part of the show, but come to find out "Camouflage" just couldn't control himself any longer.

The next day everyone in the hood felt bad, especially Gates and "Camouflage". So we did an extreme trailer makeover and built him a new-"ish" trailer. Using mostly left over asbestos filled ceiling tiles and lead painted walls we found in the landfill. As a result next years festivities will most likely only include snakes and sparklers.

"Daddy would you like some sausage?"

Well, since last weekend was Father's Day, I took some time away from my blog. I know all of you were heart broken and cried like little hoes in the corner for hours, but fear not......I have returned to my trusty blogging. I love to blog!! Father's Day gifts are usually sub-par. Most of my friends and colleagues, got some pretty lame gifts i.e. tie, socks, shirts, and some lousy hand made piece of pottery which was poorly painted from their kids. Where do they get this stuff? Perhaps at the border in Tijuana. Anyway, since my kids and wife are the best, the gave me the following items:

1. The Gazelle.

Who wouldn't want one of these? Pretty soon, if I actually use this thing, my butt will look as nice as his. But, since my family is the best, they bought the version that actually came with Tony Little! I'm tired of seeing his girly pony tail, but he is a good trainer.


2. The top of the line high tops.

Since the family knows that me and Gates love to b-ball it all the time in the hood, they purchased me some top of the line high tops! Now we can really school those thugs on the play ground, and it helps me get new clients when they see these fly kicks. Who says white boys can't jump?

3. The recliner.

I love to sit down after a nice long hard days work of street pharmacuticaling and watch my stories. It is the best way I can unwind from the stresses of the day. Barby had this one custom designed by Ethan Allen, but he didn't want it mass produced so he had it manufactured by an Amish family in PA.

4. The Lawn Ornament.



I had been looking for the perfect piece of art to put in my front yard for year, but was very unsatisfied with the selection. We even spent a whole summer in Europe looking at famous statues from all sorts of famous artists, but could never find anything prestigious enough to live up to the Schrute name. The kids found this rare gem just down the street at Mr. Gates' house during one of his biannual yard sales. Needless to say the long search is over and the front yard truly has one of the finest, most expensive pieces of art work in it. This definitely captures the the true meaning of our family and what we stand for.....we are better than any one else and are the coolest family! We are the Schrutes!!

At the Top of My Class!

Well, another school year has ended and our kids have once again made their parents proud. We love all of our children so much, and think they are the best at everything they do. In fact I can't think of anything our children can't do! This school year Moeisha got an A in her planned parenthood class, and has thus far not produced any grand babies. Great job sweety!

Quigibo was has just finished at the beauty/massage college, and will be working at a day spa for men. He has chosen to specialize in hair waxing.

Xavier recently found out he has 20/20 vision, and will be attending flight school this fall. He hopes to one day work for a major U.S. airline. Right now he is really wanting to go to work for PAN AM. However, we haven't told him that they are no longer in business.

Zeek, well....we are proud of him. He is finally potty trained and we no longer have to purchase diapers. Even though he is 8 yrs old we are still very proud of him. Now we can work on getting him weened so Barby can quit nursing him. One step at a time. We don't want to push him too hard. He doesn't need all that added stress in his life.

Look out Zeek! Child Predator got your number.

It was a rough weekend, but with the help of my microwave we were able to get through thick and thin. Apparently Zeek had a child predator after him because like all dopey blogers, put too much information on our blog about our children. We suspected there was something suspicious when every night this week we caught a glimpse a male peering into his bedroom window. Zeek always came into our room late at night, and told us he heard some one calling him "my precious!" Zeek also complained that he had received some questionable emails that were rather troubling to myself and Barby. So, one night we set up a sting operation to catch him. We had Zeek send the child predator an email inviting him to come and comb his few remaining Hobit hairs. We also contacted Dateline and they were ready with their cameras. The odd thing was that the host of the show didn't show up until the appointed time the child predator was to arrive??? Low and behold it was Chris Hansen! The dope got caught in his own sting operation! You would think we have learned our lesson and pulled all our kid's profiles off our blog. But, as you can see to the right we haven't. They are just too cute and awesome to do that to them. After all we are the Schrutess! We take the best vacations and have the cutest kids that "can ride their bikes with no handle bars."

Barby's new wardrobe

Greetings fellow bloggers,
Well this week I had a business trip in NYC. Barby insisted to come along. I told her that she would be very bored considering I would be attending a seminar for my company announcing the latest and greatest in street pharmaceuticals. She said she wanted to go shopping for a new wardrobe. So $10,000 later and here is what she bought. She tells me all this is high quality shisshh, and the clothes were not made in a sweat shop in Thailand, sorry Kathy Lee Gifford.

This one is great for the heat and is very breathable.

Great for Church functions and cocktail parties, hides that winter food storage.

Very comfortable to wear especially when flying on my magic carpet.

Bigg pimpin spendin G's . . . . great to use while hanging Christmas lights & pruning trees.

Pappa's favorite pair

Spring Break 2008

I almost forgot to tell you about our wonderful spring break trip. Barby, the kids, and I spent a fabulous 3 day trip at the lovely Ritz Carlton in the South . . . . . . the deep South (you know, where people can still marry their sister legally). This five star hotel was top of the line and we got a sweet deal for it thanks to Will Shat on priceline.com. Each room only cost us about 4 Grand per night, but since Papa Schrute is making the big bucks, it was the least I could do for my family.

On our final day of the trip we went to the zoo. The kids really enjoyed it because most of them came from there. Though we did have quite the scare when we first arrived. Security dart gunned Quigibo and dragged him to the ape house thinking he was an escapee. Several hours after our lawyer faxed down his birth certificate and Barby took a DNA test, to prove she was his biological mother, he was released. The zoo was very apologetic and allowed Quigibo all the bananas he could eat. He was also allowed to teach some of the chimps some new tricks, which we happened to catch on video. So, this is an all time Schrute family first for our blog! We have posted the video for your viewing pleasure. Please enjoy and remember that our family takes the best vacations and have the cutest kids.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oK-gqgEXzVQ

I love technology . . . . but not as much as i love you

Greetings from the Schrutes, to all our family, friends and bloggo geeks. Sorry I haven't blogged in awhile, I love to blog. Times have been hard with gas prices rising and political mayhem taking up most of my precious time. But, I was finally able to save enough food stamps and trade them for some cash towards a new state of the art computer!!! It is so very awesome! For those of you who are not computer savy, you can check my computer facts at Wikipedia. Anyway, this baby has 100 yottabytes and cruises through the cyber world. Surfing for porn is now better than watching videos from the movie store. In fact I'm running out of sites to visit. Pretty much the internet will become obsolete for me and will have no other places to search. I LOVE my computer! It's the best. This sweet computer also came with a high tech cassette player for all my jamming needs. I wanted an 8-track player, but they guy at the computer store in Japan said this was the next big thing. Screw you Blueray!

My crib, my ride, my toys

Check out our new house, cars and other things.

We just moved into this 5,000 sq. foot house. It is so neat because it looks like two houses but it is all one house. Barby just loves it. Some of the amenities include multiple sky lights and indoor water features, rustic plumbing features from Kohler, huge master bath with jetta tub, and steam shower.


This is our brand new van that I bought for 150K. The van had the mural painted by a very famous artist in Italy. It was then shipped back to the US and actioned off at a Car and Driver event in Manhattan. I was very lucky to obtain the car because the auction was limited to CPO's of very large companies.

This is my Hog. Barby and I love to use this as our date night ride. We fire up the hog on a warm summers night and cruise around the wine country by our house and then go for a bite to eat at Flemmings stake house (its our favorite).

This is my pride and joy. I love to go wheeling and the camper on the back is not only a great accommodations for outdoors, but is also doubles for a home away from home when I have to spend late nights at the office or a comfy place to sleep when Barby is mad at me.

March news

Things are going well for our family. Pappa Schrute recently has introduced a new product line at work and it is selling like hotcakes. It is a real big hit amoung high school kids and political law makers. We did have one minor set back this month, Pappa was found to be involved in a NYC prostitution ring, but we kissed and made up and all is well.